she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
