I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
