i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
