There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
i drank out of a bidet.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize
