I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
