To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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