Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
