so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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