he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
