I cannot find my penis.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
