Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Boobs are out for the taking
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
