Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
