if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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