I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Randomize
