I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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