i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
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