Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize
