Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
