A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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