I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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