Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Two words: nipple clamps
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