I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
