Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Randomize
