1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
