so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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