I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
