I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
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