mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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