this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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