She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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