She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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