I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
