Four minutes until I can fart!
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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