My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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