people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Randomize
