i just google imaged poop.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
