Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
