So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
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