Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
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