I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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