i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
