4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
