First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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