I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
