She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Randomize
