I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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