This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
