peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Randomize
