I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
