even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
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