You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
