Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
