pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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