i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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