you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
