It's like a parade of train wrecks.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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