Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
His nipple licking is glorious
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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