Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
Let's get the cat blown out
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
