My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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