remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Randomize
